The Friday Funny - mermaid or a whale

Recently in a large French city a poster featuring a young, thin and tan woman appeared in the window of a gym. It said:

DO YOU WANT TO BE A MERMAID OR A WHALE?

A middle aged woman whose physical characteristics did not match those of the woman on the poster responded publicly to the question posed by the gym.

To Whom It May Concern:

Whales are always surrounded by friends (dolphins, sea lions, curious humans). They have an active sex life, they get pregnant and have adorable baby whales. They have a wonderful time with dolphins stuffing themselves with shrimp. They play and swim in the seas, seeing wonderful places like Patagonia, the Bering Sea and the coral reefs of Polynesia. Whales are wonderful singers and have even recorded CDs. They are incredible creatures and virtually have no predators other than humans. They are loved, protected and admired by almost everyone in the world.

Mermaids don't exist. If they did exist, they would be lining up outside the offices of Argentinean psychoanalysts due to identity crisis. They don't have a sex life because they kill men who get close to them not to mention how could they have sex? Therefore they don't have kids either. Not to mention who wants to get close to a girl who's skin is all scaly and smells like a fish store?

The choice is perfectly clear to me... I want to be a whale.

P.S. We are in an age when media puts into our heads the idea that only skinny people are beautiful, but I prefer to enjoy an ice cream with my grandkids, a good dinner with a man who makes me shiver and a latte with my friends. With time, we gain weight because we accumulate so much information and wisdom in our heads that when there is no more room, it distributes out to the rest of our bodies. So we aren't heavy, we are enormously cultured, educated and happy. Beginning today, when I look at my butt in the mirror I will think, "Good gosh, look how smart I am"!

(original author is unknown)

Cleaning Hardwood and Natural Stone Floors

Hardwood and stone are excellent flooring choices for your home as they never go out of style, are sought after by potential buyers, and are a very durable and "green" choice because they come from the earth. Like most things around your home they do require a little maintenance from time to time to keep them looking their best.

Hardwood flooring has a very warm and beautiful character all it's own. Most buyers seem to prefer hardwood floors to carpeting at present especially in the living areas of the home. A professional service can come in and sand and restore them back to their original beauty as long as there are no deep stains or water damage. If you have moderate DIY skills, you can accomplish this on your own by renting a commercial grade floor sander and orbital sander for the edges. Then it's just a matter of choosing a stain color and sealing the floors. You can read more details of how to tackle this yourself at EHow.

Stone flooring is especially popular for kitchens and bath areas of the home, but most likely is not an easy DIY project and most people hire professionals to install it. Stone flooring includes granite, limestone, sandstone, slate, marble and flagstone, and comes glazed or unglazed. Each has its own qualities and may require different maintenance. Cleaning and surface restoration is usually best left to professionals as well. If your granite floors or countertops have become stained or scratched, consider granite cleaning Miami or granite cleaning Miami Beach. Marble flooring is softer than some other types of stone and may require polishing or cleaning to restore it, so consider the professionals at marble cleaning Miami to bring your marble back to its original beauty. After cleaning you might want to look into having a stain resistant sealer applied that can help your floors go up to 10 years before cleaning is needed again. If your stone floors are in good shape, be sure to research the proper maintenance for your particular type of flooring and stay on top of it so that your floors stay beautiful for life.

(sponsored by classicmarblerestoration.com)

Holistic Healing Methods

Today we have a guest post written by Dee Mason on Holistic healing methods which I'm sure you'll find both informative and interesting. 

Holistic Healing Methods

Holistic healing is a preferred method of taking care of mind, body and soul without the use of chemicals and drugs. Many people prefer the natural way of looking after themselves, including what they put into their bodies. There are a multitude of natural healing medicines that people turn to instead of seeing a doctor—although, in many cases it is always advised that, in cases of certain illnesses you should work with your doctor and not stop taking any prescribed medicines without their consent.

Aches and Pains
For people with back aches, there are some extremely relaxing ways to heal, without taking pain killers. People who do manual labor, working for moving companies or lift heavy objects can suffer severe back ache. We all know that there is no better feeling than that of a perfect massage. Whether you prefer a good pummelling to get rid of those aches and pains or if you would rather have a nice aromatherapy massage with soft music and incense sticks, there is a massage to suit all. If your back is painful for other reasons, such as bone misalignment, you can opt to see a chiropractor or cranial osteopath to help relief the pressure on bones and nerves. Chiropractors and osteopaths help maintain the well-being of your skeletal system and realign any out of place bones.

All Body Healing
Shiatsu and Reiki are other forms of body healing.  Shiatsu is a pressure style massage, which uses finger and palm pressure, along with stretches to help align the body. The term comes from the Japanese term for ‘finger pressure’  and relaxes people into a state where they can cope better with the stresses of life. Reiki massage doesn’t always involve actual contact. Some Reiki masters use non-contact techniques to transfer healing energy, called ‘chi’ energy from the palm of the hand. Having a non-contact Reiki healing actually makes the body tingle as the energy moves between the client and the master. It can be an entirely new and gratifying experience. Heated stones are often used in holistic therapy too. Warmed rounded pebbles are placed on the Chakra areas of the body to align the Chakras. One is also placed on the Solar Plexus, which represents the center of the body. Crystals are often associated with healing too, as are certain precious gem stones. Healing crystals are used in connection with meditation too, to calm the body and center the nerves.

Nutritional Healing
We have all heard the phrase ‘you are what you eat’ and there is nothing truer. What we put in our bodies has a direct effect on how we feel, as well as our health. Too much processed food can make us tired, bloated and unfit, as well as overweight. Eating healthier foods can increase our energy, our fitness level and prevent certain health issues in the future. Salads, fresh fruit, pulses, nuts and grains are all far healthier ways to look after your body. Some ailments can even be improved by changing your diet to a healthy one and cutting out the more destructive elements in your food regime.

Downspouts, gutters and rain chains

With Fall just around the corner, it's a good time to finish up maintenance around your home before the colder weather arrives. One area of importance in home maintenance is your home's gutters and downspouts. Make sure they are free of leaves and other debris so that rain water flows freely down and away from your home's foundation. Repair or replace any leaky downspouts, or consider replacing downspouts with a more visually appealing rain chain.

The idea behind a rain chain is basically the same as a downspout - with chains rain water naturally follows down the chain to the ground and into a rain chain basin. It is a decorative and much more appealing way of handling rain water than a simple downspout, and rain chains come in many styles from simple chains to more elaborate Zen loops.

One place you can find rain chains is Rain Chain Link.com. They offer a wide array of chains and accessories to match your home's exterior and fit your own personal style. They are a Better Business Bureau accredited company so you can shop securely. They also accept all major credit cards as well as PayPal.

A short love story for you

A man and a woman who had never met before, but who were both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a trans-continental train. Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper berth and she in the lower.

At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying,...'Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold.' 'I have a better idea,' she replied. 'Just for tonight,.. let's pretend that we're married.''Wow!...that's a great idea!', he exclaimed. 'Good,'she replied 'Get your own blanket.'

After a moment of silence, .....he farted.

The End

Chemical-free steam cleaning

Now that the heat of summer is past, you might be thinking about some good old fall cleaning for your home.  Washing down the walls, cleaning windows and getting into all those corners almost makes me feel like I have a brand new house and ready to head into the long winter months ahead where we'll be confined.

It's also a good time to take a good look at your flooring and clean any carpeting and upholstery.  Steam is a natural bacteria killing cleaning method that can be used without any chemical cleaners, especially important to our family with our 2 dogs and 2 cats in residence.  Steam cleaning is a great way to remove stains and odors lurking in upholstery and carpeting. Do-it-yourself machines are available but most people prefer to let the experts handle carpet and upholstery cleaning. Depending how dirty your carpeting and upholsery is and what type of stains are present, traditional chemical treatment may be needed. However many carpets and furniture can be cleaned quite well with natural green cleaning products which are more environmentally friendly and safer for your family and pets.

In your cleaning efforts,  consider The Steam Team Carpet Cleaning Lago Vista for all of your cleaning needs. The Steam Team  specializes in wall to wall carpeting, oriental rugs, hardwoods, natural stone and ceramic tile, as well as upholstery and draperies.. They also do air duct cleaning, and if your home is damaged by fire or water, they can take care of cleanup for you.too. Their green services are 100% biodegradable, non toxic and most products are made from all natural ingredients.

The Steam Team has numerous locations throughout Texas and all locations offer a 100% satisfaction guarantee and are registered with the Better Business Bureau so you can use them with confidence. Visit http://www.thesteamteam.com/austin-carpet-cleaning for your cleaning needs.

(brought to you by The Steam Team)

Easy way to divide Hosta plants

You can divide Hosta plants at any time during the season, but the best time is in the Fall because the plants are starting to go dormant.

An easy way to divide your Hostas that causes very little stress on the mother and baby plants is to use a small bulb planter. First use the bulb planter to dig holes for the new plants. Next, move away a bit of dirt to expose the root of the Hosta plant. You'll have good luck if you choose an area of the plant that has sprouting eyes or buds. Then remove the dying foliage and slice the root while twisting the bulb planter.

since you used the same tool to dig the hole, the new plant will fit in the hole snugly. Then repack the soil around the new plant and the mother plant's exposed roots. A small bit of the foliage will be lost where you made the cuts, but far less than if you dug up the entire plant and divided the root ball.

Clean up following a disaster

None of us want to think about having our home or business in need of clean up after a natural disaster, fire, crime or act of terrorism.  But if you are ever faced with one of these catastrophic events, there are some things you need to be aware of before you jump in and start putting things right.

In the case of a natural disaster such as an earthquake, hurricane, tornado, flood or hailstorm, you may or may not be able to clean things up yourself.  It depends a lot on what infrastructure remains or has been destroyed.  You should never re-enter the area until power has been restored and no lines are down, and officials have deemed gas lines to be intact.  Water clean up can be especially challenging as you don't know if it is just ground water or sewage might be in the water.  It's best to call a professional who can tell you for example if carpeting and other flooring can be saved or needs to be removed.

When it comes to possible terrorism, the air you breathe, the water you drink, and your entire environment inside and outside of your home or business could be contaminated and requires professional biohazard cleanup.  This is definitely not the time for "do-it-yourself."

And if your home or business ever becomes a crime scene and requires blood cleanup, do call in professionals because of the dangers to your health lurking in the blood.  Professional crime scene clean up services are skilled in this area and will also be invaluable for insurance claims and legal purposes such as legal testimony in court.

Let's hope none of us ever has to use these services, but it's good to know they are there if the unthinkable happens.

Easy method to can tomatoes

I grow a lot of tomato plants so that I can make stewed tomatoes for use in the winter. But I don't like to spend the whole day canning like we did when I was a kid. Here's a quicker and easier way of doing it that I've found works just as well - it only takes about 30 minutes and you can put them up even if you only have a few ripen at a time.

Supplies"
* small canning jars and lids
* medium size sauce pan
* 8 or more ripe tomatoes
* freezer space

Remove the stems and any bad spots, cut the tomatoes in half or quarter depending on size, and cook down to a juice in a sauce pan. A potato masher can help speed things along and make it more consistent, or if you prefer run them through a food processor prior to cooking. Pour the juice into the jars and put lids on. When they've completely cooled, place them in your freezer. That's it - no boiling the jars and waiting for them to seal - you're done!

I've used this method for years, the stewed tomatoes taste great, and will keep for over a year in the freezer.